Got your eye on an alpha female that’s all about the chase? Natash nuts out this difficult lesbian dating scenario.
The alpha female in lesbian culture is hailed as being the insanely hot smoke show you just can’t catch… Did I mention how insanely hot they are?! That, coupled with their unavailability, gives off a certain mystique, an air of danger that makes these babes even more arousing. We all know them, we all love ’em, we’ve all tried to catch one. But these sultry babes are not about being tamed; they’re about the thrill of the chase.
Ughhhh! With so many women in the community being all about the chase, what gives? This is a constant topic of conversation for my friends on the dating scene. After hearing about a friend’s recent experience with a super illustrious lady, I had to dig in to understand more.
It turns out that being all about the chase isn’t just an ‘asshole thing’ or something that people with ‘issues’ do. It’s actually a human nature thing. Stay with me… It goes way back to when we were kids playing hide and seek. Shari Vollmer MD of Psychology Today says, “Children hide because they want to know that they can go out and explore. They want to know that they can be fine on their own. They want a sense of autonomy. However, soon after the child feels the joys of exploring, he gets lonely and so he wants to be reassured that his friend wants to find him. This is life-affirming. To be pursued is to be loved. The joy of being found is the joy of being alive and feeling cared for.”
When I read this, it blew my mind.
It makes so much sense and can be directly applied to adult dating behaviour. We all love to be chased because it makes us feel loveable and desirable. It feels good to be seen and valued. It makes sense why so many people would want to experience this scenario over and over again.
It also builds the excitement of coming together. The longer the separation, the more intense and joyful the reunification. Think of how ecstatic you feel after receiving a text from your crush after a long turnaround time. Suspense builds our emotions. When we think about classic personality differences, we know that some people are naturally more sensation-seeking. It takes more to get them going. They seem to take more risks and live at the extremes. We all know people like that.
I think that, too often, we’re guilty of vilifying those who don’t meet our needs and expectations. While it’s no excuse to jerk people around, it’s important not to judge anyone’s journey and to try and broaden our own understanding of individual differences. While we all might want to snag an ‘alpha’, having one slip through our fingers doesn’t make them jerks and it doesn’t make us not good enough. It just means it wasn’t a good match. So rather than create divisions and angst in the community over hurt feelings, let’s all take things less personally and honour our differences. After all, haven’t we all played hide and seek once in our lives?
-Natash’s favourite hide and seek spot growing up was behind the shed. (Also the location of her first kiss.)
