Another year without Marriage Equality to me and many others means another of listening to people debate over whether or not we are second class citizens.

I keep trying to start this and then I just stop-I guess I’m worried that if I’m going to write about this then it had better be funny and it had better be smart and it had better be right…. Here goes.

Like most people in Australia, I didn’t know that the Liberal “debate” was even happening; I was busy watching Winners & Losers (which is a totally underrated show btw- where are those girls’ Logies?) So I didn’t know anything about it until I looked on my Facebook newsfeed and found that it had already been lost. I was shocked. Not by the Libs’ decision- no surprises there- but no, I was shocked by my own deeply, deeply sad reaction.

Not because I don’t want Marriage Equality- I do, I fucking love a wedding, I actually have the opposite problem to most people my age where I don’t think enough of my friends are getting engaged. GET ON IT GUYS. No, I was surprised at my sadness because I’ve done such a brilliant job of hiding my care factor on the whole Marriage Equality Thang I’d even hidden it from myself. I like to tell myself I’m just so stoked that I don’t have to live in fear of being beaten up daily like my uncle who came before me that I’m just going to shut up and be grateful… but no, that ain’t it.

As Marriage Equality keeps getting dangled in front of us like some kind of political carrot, the majority of my friends are getting more and more vocal in their frustration and their anger, whereas I find myself becoming quieter and quieter. In fact, I don’t really talk about it, I never bring it up with anyone and if I walk into a conversation about it at work, I will usually turn around and walk out; I mean everyone clearly already knows my views, I don’t need to stand there and make them feel awkward with inequality; it’s best they discuss it without me. A month back when the Rainbow profile pic came about my newsfeed was a sea of rainbows, actually, it still is (you can change it back now guys, it’s cool) but there was one profile pic that obviously remained rainbowless…mine.

*Also that one homophobe friend from interstate that I keep there for comic reasons, mine and hers was the only rainbowless pics. Sorry, carry on-  

This may all sound redic, particularly since I come from a family of love and support and a friendship base of love and support. Actually, I am so loved and supported it’s crazy because I can be a pretty shit person sometimes (I put eggplant through as carrots on the Woolies self-serve and I don’t feel the least bit guilty). I am so lucky because no one in my life has ever made me feel like less of a person because of who I choose to love- and yet every time a bland man in a suit gets on TV and reminds the country that in fact, I am less of a person and they are wrong to support me, I am sadly finding it harder and harder and to find strength in the external support around me.

So I can only imagine how fucking shit the result of that 6-hour meeting would have been for someone who is not as lucky as me. If you were struggling with your sexuality or wondering if now was the time to confide in your friends and family then I can completely understand if all that brave work you had done to prep yourself has come undone. Or if you were a kid ready to stand in front of your class and talk about how you spent your weekend at Luna Park with your 2 mums doing the regular family thing (knowing deep down you are a little bit extra cool because you went to Luna Park “Just Cos”) that all of a sudden you might not want to do that. Because whether we like him or not, our Prime Minister is a powerful person and we as a country voted for him. We voted for him knowing full well his stance on this, knowing with confidence that Marriage Equality would never be possible under a Tony Abbot country, yet still, people voted because they didn’t want to pay for a Carbon Tax.

So now begs the question that I still haven’t answered yet, why all the silence? I clearly feel strongly enough about equality to write this post and put it on the internet- why can’t I just turn my freaking profile pic rainbow-like everyone else.

Because sometimes when you want something so bad, it’s easier to just pretend you don’t. It hurts less when you don’t get it.

So this is how I feel after Tuesday – Hurt. We are hurting as a country.

Another year without Marriage Equality to me and many others means another of listening to people debate over whether or not we are second class citizens and if what we have seen in the last two weeks is any indication of what’s to come, then, well, yuck.

I have no doubt that equality is inevitable, I can see the end in sight. It’s just awfully sad that after everything the LGBTIQA community has been through, my uncle’s generation, in particular, the grown-ups in Canberra are still going to make us beg for it because they’re scared a few 80-year-olds will stop voting for them.

But thank god that pesky Carbon tax is gone, am I right?