Relationship relapse…

People change. Maybe we ARE meant to be. Gahd, her new tattoos are just HOT. There are countless reasons why people choose to revisit old relationships for a second or twentieth time and we all know queer ladies love to rekindle those old flames, even when those logs of love have been burnt to a blackened crisp.

But is it ever a good idea?

If you rushed into things the first time in a passionate flurry of nonstop banging and hanging, breaking up might have given you a chance to step back and get to know your ex sweetie…fully clothed this time.

Especially if you stopped sleeping together but kept in touch as friends you might suddenly find that you’ve accidentally “taken things slowly” and have gotten to see this person in a new light unclouded by sex goggles. If you’re wanting to resuscitate this type of relationship, it means that you’re drawn to this person for who they are besides a hot piece of ass. Entering Round #2 be sure to reintroduce the physical piece intentionally and carefully so you don’t overdose on the sweet stuff again.

If someone cheated or otherwise violated your relationship boundaries, you need to be sure that they’ve (or you’ve) learned from their mistakes and can actually recommit. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and I once again have your mistress’s STD and it sucks. Rekindling this romance takes a lot of space and observation if you witness their behaviour change and can see that their infidelity is something they honestly regret and have learned from, it might be safe to try again. If they’re cheating on their new boyfriend in order to restart things with you…do I really need to go on?

If you initially parted ways because you were feeling like a fidgety farmer who needed to sow their wild oats, spending time apart may have given you the opportunity to flex your “muscles” by ploughing other people’s fields. You might be able to return to your babe more committed and settled after this, especially if you realized that what appeared to be greener pastures were actually dried out, crappy plots completely unsuitable for hoeing around in.

Successfully redating an ex certainly has its perks. You get the excitement of a new relationship with the comforts of a familiar face; the sex will probably be that especially hot combination of makeup/ breakup/ I hate to love you sex specially reserved for ex’s, and all of your dirty laundries has been aired so you can start clean. Especially if your initial breakup was of the nasty variety, you probably let out some mean-but-honest disclosures from the banal “I HATE the way you chew cereal!” to the more serious “I slept with your best friend!”.

With the cards on the table, you can come back to the relationship with a clear vision of what you need to work on. However, make sure you both have an understanding of what you can/can’t change and what you can/can’t live with hate that she watches baseball when you bang? Changeable. Hate that her ex is your archfemmenemesis?

Gotta deal with it.

How to make dating your ex-work:

• Check your expectations: It didn’t work in the past, so it might not work again. Certain patterns are unchangeable after all, what makes a pattern a pattern is that it’s unendingly repetitive.
• Acknowledge your contribution to the initial split.
• Be sure you utilized your breakup time wisely. Did you do some inner work, regain your independence and grow from it all?
• Learn from old arguments but don’t rehash them.
• Accept the path your ex travelled during your time apart: If she busts out a hot new move in the sack upon your reconciliation, you could downward spiral into “where’d she learn that?” jealousy. Step away from the dark and learn to differentiate between your unique relationship and what happened when you were apart.

When it won’t work:

• If your motives include “lonely” or “horny”.
• If you’re wrongly idealizing or justifying the reasons why you broke up.
• If your relationship was emotionally/physically abusive do not resuscitate!

Finally, sometimes your ex is your ex for damn good reason some people can’t change, you were meant to flee (not be) and, well no, her new tattoos probably are super hot. Sorry.