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Dr Frankie Bashan
Dr Frankie Bashan

Dr Frankie Bashan is a renowned relationship coach and dating expert.

She is a licensed clinical psychologist with over a decade of experience working with couples and individuals and specialized training in the field of trauma. She possesses a unique combination of formal training, innate emotional intelligence, and communication skills that allow her to help couples struggling with relationship issues of all kinds.

Dear Dr Frankie,

“No lesbian will go out with me (not even for coffee). I’m very sad and lonely and I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.

Do you have any advice? Going out there is what I’ve been doing and I’m quickly running out of hope…”

The excuse is usually something along the lines of, “No thanks I’m not interested”, or “Oh, you seem really smart, but no thanks.” It’s become increasingly hard because I’m so very lonely and I don’t understand what ­I’m doing wrong.

I’m also very shy, so whenever I do ask someone it takes a lot of courage. Do you have any advice or suggestions? And is this normal? Going out there is what I’ve tried and it doesn’t seem to be working, and hope is what I’m quickly running out of.  Thanks, Sad and Lonely

Dear Sad & Lonely:
I am so sorry you are experiencing this: being consistently told no and feeling lonely are very emotionally painful things and I commend you for asking for advice.

First: You’re not alone. Many newly Out women experience confusion, rejection and shyness when it comes to dating.
Second: You are doing the best you can and take comfort in that. Going to school is an all-encompassing activity and so is dating. The fact that you’ve been actively asking women out is admirable! Many lesbians don’t even get THAT far, so even though you say you’re shy, I think you’re more confident than you realize.
As for shyness, I wrote a great piece on how to overcome shyness when asking a woman out in a previous post. I recommend you use my steps in that post to help alleviate some of the anxiety you experience around women.
As for losing hope, I recommend stepping back from dating for a bit. Dive into your community.  Find out if there are activities, events or LGBT organizations with meetings near you that you can start attending. Join (or start) a local Meet Up Group. Many lesbian connections are made via MeetUps and it’s an easy, laid-back way to meet new people.  Think of activities you could participate in that might not be specifically geared toward lesbians, but you would find interesting.  Exercise. The endorphins will elevate your mood and the activity will take your mind off your sadness.
One last bit of advice: You are still young and you have many experiences ahead of you—including love. While it feels lonely right now, you’re just starting out and you’re learning as you go. Keep working on yourself, meeting new people and staying focused on your dreams.