Dr Frankie Bashan is a renowned relationship coach and dating expert.
She is a licensed clinical psychologist with over a decade of experience working with couples and individuals and specialized training in the field of trauma. She possesses a unique combination of formal training, innate emotional intelligence, and communication skills that allow her to help couples struggling with relationship issues of all kinds.
Dear Dr Frankie,
We never got to meet at the recent WW event but I feel like I know what you would say anyway. I’ve read everything you’ve written and I have listened to all your broadcasts. I recently ran into a dyke I met on OK Cupid two years ago. Initially, she blew me off because I was too young, but this time she made a beeline to say hello. We are both single. I had no hesitation about whether to go out with her, as I have had with this other woman I am sort of seeing but not so sure about.
The OK Cupid woman came out in high school, loves women and has never doubted her sexuality. Her family is accepting and totally supports her. She’s intelligent, well-groomed, and loves her job as a social worker/life coach. The other woman came out late in life and now, after 10 years, has doubts about her sexuality. She keeps bringing up her straight life and all the insecurities she has about her gay life. I’m frustrated and I see life with her as complicated throughout.
I keep making suggestions on how to help her get past it, but she doesn’t follow through with any of it. I feel like I’m talking myself. UGH! I see the comparison/ contrast you speak about when you date several women at once and keep your options open. Is it so wrong to prefer the easier one with less baggage?
Dear UGH!
Unless there is something more to this scenario, I don’t see much of a comparison, do you? I’m a big fan of air conditioning in the summers, heated seats in the winter, and umbrellas in the rain. I could certainly choose not to use these wonderful amenities, but why on earth would I choose to unnecessarily make my life harder? I would discourage you from pursuing a future with a woman with whom you’re already frustrated, and doesn’t seem to be making any forward progress in her life. People and situations change, so although the OK Cupid woman initially dismissed you-it appears that you’ve reconnected in a positive and organic way. You seem happy with the way she and her family have embraced her sexuality and other aspects of her life.
It sounds like she is on a completely different level than the other woman, who is starting to backpedal and doubt very fundamental aspects of her life. I don’t see much of a question here, do you? Don’t over-think this one, the right choice seems to be obvious.
Dear Dr Frankie
I have been engaged to my fiance for three years. This year we moved from Minnesota to Texas (I am from Minnesota and she is from Texas). After about 4 months things went wrong. We never saw each other, we worked opposite shifts, she drank all night into the morning, her family was rude to me, my job was terrible and she showed no support when I needed her.
After about 11 months, She told me to move back home and she would finish out the lease of the apartment. Now, she is saying I ditched her, and she is very hostile to me on the phone. She won’t answer my calls, and it’s always on her terms when we talk on the phone or text. She is flying up to Minnesota for a wedding soon, but she will not say if she is moving back here. Even though she clearly told me she was coming. I wouldn’t have moved if she was going to play this game of saying “oh I am moving,” and then have her say “oh I am not moving”. I just don’t get it.
Dear Frustrated,
As you know from the first-hand experience now, moving can be a very stressful experience. Demands get placed on the relationship that on occasion are insurmountable. Unfortunately, it seems that this was your experience. My question to you is why are you remaining in contact with this woman? I’ve noticed that there seems to be an unwritten lesbian law that requires women to keep in contact after a breakup, even a bad one. Well, I’m here to tell you this is not only totally unnecessary but flawed. Unless you have children in common or a property together that needs managing, if she is disrespecting you and playing games, MOVE ON. What’s done is done, don’t dwell on it. Learn from your mistakes and spend your energy on finding a woman who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
Dear Dr Frankie,
I am a bi-ish girl, and have been seeing this girl for a month. We’ve been best friends for a year and a half before we made out one night and the next hook up. She just recently came out to a select few (me being one of them) and had assumed I was completely straight (until that night) but had still started to have feelings for me (I had pretty much always had feelings for her). We went from being casual to not so casual pretty quickly and we both don’t really want to see anyone else. I want to be able to call her my girlfriend but she says that we are not at that point. Now that may have to do with the fact that it’s a fairly secret relationship. No one knows or will know for a long time. I’m just scared that I am going to end up getting hurt, I need what we have to be validated, and I don’t see why being a girlfriend has anything to do with publicizing our relationship. Isn’t it between the two of us? I don’t know, this is my first lesbian relationship and I am at a loss at what to do, and what the norm is. Is her reasoning normal? Is a month too soon?
Dear Confused,
Cool your jets, girl! Let the relationship unfold naturally, without forcing labels onto one another. You have both taken a very significant and exciting step in your lives. Give yourselves time as individuals to digest the feelings and excitement. Let the relationship grow organically. People have varying degrees of comfort for many different reasons when dealing with the coming out process. Don’t rush into monogamy or the girlfriend label prematurely. Doing this will smother the life out of your romance and guarantee a quick end to the relationship you seek to validate.
