Dr Frankie Bashan is a renowned relationship coach and dating expert.
She is a licensed clinical psychologist with over a decade of experience working with couples and individuals and specialized training in the field of trauma. She possesses a unique combination of formal training, innate emotional intelligence, and communication skills that allow her to help couples struggling with relationship issues of all kinds.
Hi Dr Frankie
I entered my first lesbian relationship about four months ago. I care a lot about my girlfriend and I enjoy all the time I spend with her…but recently I’ve noticed some new feelings. I’d like some advice on how to control and avoid them because I foresee them being dangerous to our relationship.
Girls can be naturally insecure and jealous, and I’ve noticed I’ve started feeling threatened because I consider my girlfriend to be much more attractive than I am. (In the same way that other girls may be jealous of celebrities or girls they deem more attractive/smart/funny than themselves, I am noticing these feelings towards my own girlfriend.)
It’s bizarre because even with friends etc, I don’t tend to have these sentiments. So in a weird way, I think it might have to do with the fact that she is the most important girl to me. I don’t want my feelings to jeopardize our relationship but I’m not sure how to deal with them. I don’t want to express them in the wrong way and portray them as jealousy towards her, because she has done absolutely nothing wrong. I don’t want to confuse them with possessiveness or enter into a dangerous aspect of the relationship. I don’t want to hurt her.
Do you have any tips?
Dear Worried,
What a really wonderful and insightful question. First and foremost you need to remember that she’s choosing to be with you because she finds you attractive. No couple is equally attractive or equally anything for that matter, because attraction is subjective. In many of the happiest and longest-lasting relationships, there are significant discrepancies in age, perceived levels of attractiveness, introversion and extroversion, income levels, etc…
My point is that physical attractiveness is just one of many factors in a relationship. You should also take into consideration that you probably aren’t the best judge of your own attractiveness. We all see flaws and “problem areas” on our own bodies that in reality, no one else sees. You might be the only one in the world who thinks your girlfriend is more attractive than you are (however I’m not trying to imply it’s a contest by any means). It’s very important for you to recognize what positive qualities you possess and add to the relationship. I recommend taking some time to do a writing exercise where you list these positive qualities. If you find yourself at a loss, ask your friends and family for feedback about how they would best describe you. Use their responses and feedback as a starting point to get you thinking more honestly about your strengths and contributions to the relationship. It’s extremely important that you value yourself and feel you have something special to offer your girl.
As you already know and have insightfully stated, showing insecurity is going to make her less attracted to you. Unless she gives you a reason to feel threatened it’s imperative you keep your insecurities in check. The good news is you’re aware of them! Focus your thoughts and your energy on the fact that she’s choosing you as her partner because she’s attracted to you. Being possessive isn’t going to guarantee she stays with you, and on the contrary, it will probably push her away. Appreciate the attention she receives and her beauty by demonstrating admiration and pride. Be proud of who she is individually and in her relationship with you. Confidence is sexy.
On a related note, consider ways to boost your self-esteem. One easy way is to engage in a regular exercise activity that will get you in shape and feeling really good in your body. There is no high in life like the one you’ve earned after a gut-wrenching, soul-testing CrossFit WOD! Endorphins = Happy Place. If you’re feeling “blah” about your look but aren’t up on the current fashion trends, consider reaching out to a fashion consultant. They are great resources who can even go shopping with you, to sharpen your style and freshen up your look. It’s amazing how a new haircut or a couple of outfits can liven someone up. I’ve noticed that many women sometimes slip in this area. It’s amazing what a boost to one’s self-perception and self-esteem little changes can bring.
Dear Dr Frankie,
I met this woman I find very attractive and I don’t know how to show I’m interested. Normally my relationships start out in the “friend zone” and things happen gradually from there. But I don’t know this woman at all; not even her name.
We work at a large company and she works in another department. I tried a bit of chit chat, but I was so thrown off by how attractive I found her that I started to make a fool of myself so I quickly ended the conversation. That was six weeks ago. I saw her again last night and thankfully this time I was a bit smoother. Unfortunately, it didn’t feel right to start asking her name, etc. I would really like to get to know her and find out if her personality is as beautiful as her eyes, but I have no idea how to get to that point with such rare and random contact. Is there a way I can tell her I want to know her better without sounding like an idiot?
Dear Discombobulated,
YES!!! Don’t miss the opportunity to take a risk. If you don’t do anything you’re guaranteed nothing will happen, but if you take the plunge your courage could be tremendously rewarded! Consider paying her a sincere compliment, perhaps something along the lines of “I can’t help but notice how beautiful you are / your eyes are and I would love to take you out for a drink sometime”, and either ask for her number or give her yours. If you can harness your confidence and be bold I’d recommend asking for her number.
Worse case, she’ll say no and you’ll walk away confidently knowing that you took a risk you should be proud of. Regardless of the outcome, you’ll benefit from the experience. Even if she says no, you’ll have practised the invaluable skill of being brave for the next beautiful woman who walks into your department. Please keep me posted on how it goes! Remember, fortune favours the bold!
Dr Frankie,
My partner and I have been together for eight years. We had a commitment ceremony seven years ago, and she is the only person I have ever even kissed. As long as we have been together, she has said she wanted children “someday.”
Now that the time has come to have children, she has decided that she does not want to be a parent. We are both heartbroken, and though we decided to break up, we still live together because my attempts to conceive have been unsuccessful so far. I do feel a bit betrayed that she waited until now to tell me she did not want children. I have always been completely honest about the fact that I definitely want children whether biological or adopted. After we separated, we both tried looking at online dating sites to see what else was out there. We are both “different” in our ways of thinking from everyone we have seen on these sites.
When I read posts on these sites I feel like none of them is anything like mine. I want to find someone with whom I can raise empathetic, compassionate, happy children, and I am now terrified that it is too late, and I will have to be a single parent. I also don’t know whether to wait it out and see if she will decide she loves my children after they are born. I know in my heart that she won’t, but it is so hard to let her go when that is the only reason we are separating. I live in Tennessee, and it is so hard to meet quality women here. What should I do?
Dear Heartbroken,
What a difficult and overwhelming experience. What I can tell you is that bringing children into this world is one of life’s most amazing, rewarding, life-changing and demanding experiences. Your gut is already telling you not to count on your ex coming around and wanting to be a parent after your kids are born. I have friends who made the conscious decision to become single parents, and they have loved the journey and fully embrace the experience. The difference is that they did not take the plunge with hopes that it would keep their partnership together.
Wanting or not wanting children is one of the most important decisions in a long-term relationship; it’s not a side-note or something to be taken lightly. If two people don’t agree on having children, it is a 100% legitimate reason for ending a relationship. As terrifying as it must feel, you need to decide if you’re A) willing and able to be a single parent and prioritize your child above your hopes of winning back your ex; or B) want to wait to meet someone to share the experience with, understanding that this might not come to fruition. I understand this is a very difficult decision, but the only way you can truly move forward is with a clear understanding of what you’re capable of. Best of luck to you.
