Lesbian dating can be a challenge, but you should know upfront that it’s not your fault!

No one ever taught us the rules about how to relate to women on a romantic level.

We have to struggle through the process of trial and error to figure out where to meet new people in the gay community, or what to say to start up a conversation with someone we like.

I’ve often asked myself, “Does it really have to be so hard to find love?”

Not anymore.

I’ve compiled a simple list of questions and answers so that you can spark up your love life and get fabulous dates faster and easier than ever before. (You’re welcome!)

Question #1: Where are all of the single lesbians?

Short Answer: Online.

Long Answer: The women that you want to meet are smart, successful and social. They lead full lives with long days at the office and longer nights working on professional development, school, family or volunteer commitments. On weekends, they might want to go out with their friends for a couple of drinks, but you’d be unlikely to find a fabulous, single lady at a bar alone on a Friday night—she’d be more likely to go there with another date. So just to be clear: your chances of finding Mrs Right at the local gay bar are slim to none.

The eligible, single lady of your dreams might enjoy going out from time to time, but she may also prefer to spend her weeknights at home, in her pyjamas, watching Netflix (or maybe that’s just me!). My point is that you can find a lot of great people online—either on traditional dating sites like Match.com and OkCupid.com or perhaps on community networks like Meetup.com.

Question #2: How can I find love without wasting hours of my time on dating websites?

Short Answer: By using pre-planned message scripts.

Long Answer: It’s very important to tailor your message to the person that you’re corresponding with because, as a rule, simple messages like “Hey” or “What’s up?” get thrown in the trash. Immediately. And you can’t blame them—wouldn’t you like to know that someone put a little extra thought and effort into getting to know you first?

My recommended technique would be:

1. Scan through your favourite lady’s profile to find key themes about her personality, such as hobbies you both have in common, interesting facts about her and areas where you’d like to learn more.

2. Make a note of 2 or 3 key themes in her profile, and write them down on a separate piece of paper.

3. Use the following template and fill in the blanks with the theme(s) that you would like to explore further in your conversation online:

Hey there, how’s your [day/week/summer] going?

I think it’s cool that you’re [an engineer / an artist / interested in technology]. I was just curious to ask … ? To let you know a bit more about myself …

Have a great [weekend]!

Question #3: What happens after you put your heart and soul into corresponding with someone online, and they disappear?

Short answer: Move on to the next. The best way to get over one woman is to get under another.

Long answer: The best policy when logging onto any online dating site would be:

1. Know what you want in a potential match.

2. Filter for profiles of women who can offer the level of commitment that you need.

3. Actively message new people every couple of days using the online dating scripts above.

4. Don’t take anything personally.

I know how hard it can be when you really like someone: you can’t stop thinking about them, you’re ecstatic when you’re with them and when you’re apart, any message from them can either lift you up to the heights of ecstasy or plunge you into the pits of despair.

But that’s not really the healthiest way to start online dating! To begin with, the emotional ups and downs of getting hung up on one person are so draining that they could almost make you want to give up on dating entirely. Almost!

In addition, many internet dating platforms support a diverse group of women who are looking for a wide variety of relationships (monogamy, polyamory, short-term dating, etc.). The impersonal nature of internet dating is not an atmosphere where you can reasonably expect a serious commitment, and it can bring out the flakiest tendencies in otherwise trustworthy people.

To make sure that your emotional needs are being met, the best choice would be to diversify your options until you find someone who is a keeper. In practical terms, this strategy means that you will probably need to take an active role in your dating search: I recommend reaching out to 3-5 new people per week online. You can go on dates with as many people as you like!

I guarantee that the extra attention will boost your self-confidence, and prevent you from getting hung up on one specific person.

Bonus Question: When do we get to have sex?

Short answer: Never. (Just kidding!)

Long answer: The question of when lesbians first have sex is complicated, of course, depending on the wants and needs of both partners.

Some women may prefer to get to know each other as friends first, and then allow a romantic relationship to develop.

Other couples may choose to have sex early on, after the first or second date.

However, most lesbian love affairs follow a pattern where two women meet, go out for 3 or 4 dates in person and then if the chemistry is right, they initiate physical intimacy.

I know it can seem like a jungle out there.

But always remember that you deserve love, and I’m here to support you in taking the first steps toward your first date, first kiss and beyond.