It’s a battlefield out there. Here’s a guide to help you date the girl

The LGBT dating scene is not only smaller and infinitely more exclusive than the scope offered to straight people, we also have a whole lot more politics to worry about. There are all these invisible rules and regulations, not to mention having to do a quick background check to make sure you don’t have any exes in common. My straight friends find the concept of me seeing someone my ex has dated really quite squeamish, but it sort of comes with the territory in Gay-Land. Context considered, of course.

Personally, I’m all for freedom… Love who you love… But you know when your bestie starts dating a girl and you just want to drag her the hell away? Alarm bells are ringing, you can see that girl is poison, but she’s got your friend hooked. Well I’m here to help… Just show them this list of lesbians to steer the hell clear of, and you’ll hopefully save everyone a lot of heartache.

So here are the 5 types of lesbian/bi woman that I recommend should be avoided at all costs:

1. The Alpha Addict

Traits – Image obsessed, often narcissistic and always devastatingly beautiful, the Alpha Addict is to be avoided at all costs. Unashamedly arrogant, self important and probably emotionally unavailable; addicted to maintaining their reputation as Alpha Lesbian at all costs, they can be spotted at the bar never buying their own drinks, often stringing along many a woeful woman, and consider themselves top of the lesbian food chain.

How To Spot – Sometimes the bartender and usually clearly ignoring everyone but her iPhone. You can spot the Alpha Addict quite easily, but if you’re not sure, just ask them the question “So which character from The L Word are you?” If her answer is OhMyGodI’mTotallyShane with a cocky head-jerk… Step away. No, run away. Fast.

But Why Not? – Because, although the character of Shane is fun to watch on screen (and yeah, I totally would) it’s not the sort of woman you’d aspire to be or be with, surely? A self assured, uninhibited heartbreaker? Not something that spells out long-term-relationship. If you’re going for this kind of girl, you need a serious self-esteem check. That has self-sabotage written all over it.

2. Scene Queens

Traits – Sort of the poor-woman’s Alpha. Scene Queens are always out and about and never one to miss a weekday girl’s night. Scene Queens are obsessed with reputation, lez-networking and knowing every piece of gossip that exists. One of her exes is always out and she always has to make a big deal about it, dragging her friends dramatically into the toilets to discuss it in hushed voices.

How To Spot – Usually darting from group to group in the gay bar, these girls seem to know and love everyone. They’ve probably got a few promo pictures of themselves on your favourite lez-clubs Facebook pages and most of their tweets are about what happens after 2am. They probably own some sort of quirky hat and wear it often.

But Why Not? – Because scene girls are basically teenagers who never grew up. They’re desperate to “sit at the cool table” so will invest an incredible amount of time and effort into staying with the in crowd… At all costs. Remember that gossip they’re always spouting? Well next thing you know it’s going to be about you. Not to mention they only ever keep other Scene Queens as company. Do you really want to have to impress that many elusive women? Because it’s impossible and you’ll end up in a whirlwind of drama. Steer clear.

3. The Tourist

Traits – Otherwise known as a Faux-Mo (Fake Homo), a tourist is someone who is on the scene and in the gay bars to “see the sights” without wanting to actually… You know… Buy any souvenirs.

How To Spot – They’re clearly straight but have made a token attempt at looking the part (wearing Converse, hair up) and have trotted down to your local gay bar to throw you off the scent. Now straight women love hanging out at gay bars—we’re a fun bunch after all and they don’t have to worry about getting touched up by greasy men. They’ll tend to be on the dance floor, oblivious of all of those fleeting glances and having the time of their lives.

But Why Not? – As Alex Vause very wisely said in OITNB, “Rule Number One, Don’t ever fall in love with a straight girl”…. ‘Nuff said.

4. Gold Star Snobs

Traits – Gold Star Snobs will only ever date women they deem to be “genuine lesbians” and turn their noses up at anyone who can even spell penis. They’re the racists of the LGBT community, making Bi-women feel ashamed and intimidated and shunning anyone who chooses a life that isn’t die-hard-lez. Not that everyone isn’t entitled to their own opinions, but in my view this is oppression from within. Its friendly fire, and it has to stop. Bisexuality is valid. Love and let love. How To Spot – Surrounded by only other Gold Star lesbians, they consider themselves the elite of Gay-Land. To figure out if you’ve found yourself in the company of a Gold Star Snob, just mention that you like any Ryan Gosling movie and watch them scowl. They also always have perfect eyebrows, for some reason. It’s uncanny. Although all the better for raising them disapprovingly at people, I suppose.

But Why Not? – Because why would you want to associate with someone who doesn’t understand how demeaning it is not to be able to live a True Life? Being Bisexual (damn right, that’s a capital B) and being a lesbian is the same flavour of sexuality and, although we’re different, there should be no scowling or judgmental glares. Let’s leave that to the uninformed, shall we? Gold Star Snobs are just as oppressive to the LGBT movement as homophobic people. They’re trying to make people pick a category that they approve of. And shouldn’t they as lesbians, more than anyone, know how hard it is to like your True Life? I avoid these women on principle.

Teeny-Dykes

Traits – Teeny-Dykes are usually in the younger generation, but not exclusively. These girls are always on social media, constantly texting/tweeting/instagramming and generally have a gaggle of giggling girls surrounding them, all equally as “squeally” and annoying as each other. They have pictures of all of their shoes in a huddle as their cover photos. Because that’s a thing, apparently.

How To Spot – They’re using Txt Spk and Emoticons in abundance and have every app from Tumblr to Twitter, which are updated almost hourly. They spell it “Heyyy.” Fans of playing pranks and drinking games, a simple conversation just isn’t enough for these ladies. When in their natural habitat, they’re insufferable and loud, reminding you of a group of 14-year-old girls at their first un-chaperoned party.

But Why Not? – Unless you want to resign yourself to evenings of ear-piercing shrieking and a constant level of excitement/enthusiasm that even a 12-year-old in a candy store couldn’t maintain, then back away. Dating Teeny-Dykes is exhausting. Trust me, I’ve been there.

So there you have it, my words of warning. And how do I know? I’ve dated every category, and ended up alone with my cats in the long run. Looking for someone genuine on the gay scene is almost impossible and takes a while, but so long as you don’t get swept away in the darker depths of “The Scene” and stay grounded then you’ll attract genuine people, too.

And if you’re already too far in to one of these women to pull yourself away? Well you have my deepest sympathies. I suggest you buy a cat in advance… You’re about to have your heart broken.