In difficult times, let the cold and hurt flow through you and out again.

Cold, hard ground.  Bare trees. Iciness, wind, snow, rain. Where I live all the warmth has gone underground and occasionally I see a creature venture out and when the sky is blue the birds swing across the sky perhaps to keep their wings from freezing closed. In this time when nothing seems to be growing and change cannot be seen, I try to remember where I have grown and changed.  This brings some light to these darker days that challenge my soul and my disposition.

Where have I changed and grown in ways that are not temporary or seasonal? I remember when I first met my wife of 13 years now.  When we were dating and in our first years, I watched her sparkling green eyes and cringed whenever they were dazzling someone else.  I noticed her upturned face when it wasn’t toward me and I felt the urge to pull her toward me.  I did know I tended toward jealousy before her, but it reared its ugly head with a ferocity I hadn’t experienced in myself before.

What I didn’t know was why.

Of course, initially, I was sure it was her ‘flirtatious’ behaviour, her capacity to charm and mesmerize people. She is someone you want sitting in the front row anytime you are speaking or performing because she will nod her head vigorously, smile broadly and generally make you feel like you are doing something spectacular.  But rather than see it as the light that drew me to her, I began to see it as a threat.

At first, I would just get angry and close my heart and use my tone of voice to let her know of my disapproval.  Eventually, I would outright say, “You were flirting with her!”  Or in some cases him.  She would laugh it off until she was tired of being accused of something.

I knew that if I didn’t stop insisting that she was capable of infidelity I would bring my wish to fruition somehow.  I would create the very situation I most feared.  I started to write, I wrote whenever I was scared about something she did.  The writing turned into significant fantasy, which I turned out to be pretty good at concocting.  Instead of using my imagination to make her wrong, I used my imagination to allow things to happen in a safe way.

This is where the growth and change came.

I realized in writing that it wasn’t her behaviour that I feared; it was mine and my feelings of inadequacy.  If I felt certain of my own behaviour and of my own value I would not be afraid that she would be constantly on the lookout for something new.  And if I had not always been the one to leave every other relationship before anyone could leave me, I would not be afraid that I would eventually create a reason.

Once I realized that it was up to me to free myself from this possessive, jealous, inadequate feeling, I forgave myself and began to behave differently.  I decided to trust myself and recommit myself to the one person to whom I made a promise and did not have a bag packed just in case.

This growth in me allowed me to talk about things openly when I was concerned.

This growth allowed me to be friends with one of her very long ago ex-loves that was very deeply connected to her life. This growth allowed me to begin to feel equal in the relationship and begin to trust that I was worthy of love, fidelity and commitment.  As far as I know (big grin) I am the recipient of all three.  Most importantly I give myself to trust, I give myself worth and I keep my heart open as much as I possibly can.

If I find that something has triggered hurt in me, I know that I can choose to deal with the hurt not by closing my heart but by letting the hurt flow right out of me.  Usually,  the hurt is not about what just happened to my nearly sixty-year-old self, but a hurt that happened at 11 when I was the only black child at my own birthday party and no one would dance with me or the hurt of loss when my absent father came back into my life for three months only to leave and never come back again until he was dying decades later.

I now understand myself better.  I am changed by my awareness. I am grateful for my growth and I continue to grow and change and look forward to being more joyful, more fearless and always ever more grateful as I await spring.