A step-by-step guide to getting over your ex.

So the break-up was excruciating. You and your former partner went from hissy fits to full-blown break-ups and back again, but now you’re done for good.

The lesbian break-up is a rare and astounding affair. It can either end up in our famous “lez be friends” scenario where you end up best buds for life. Still, more often than not, you end up going through a hormone-induced, highly dramatic block-a-thon and selection of storm outs that leave everyone feeling a little bit battered and bruised.

Then there’s the calm. You’ve gone your separate ways, and everyone is pretending to be well rounded and grown-up when you see it: Your ex is seeing someone new. This information can come to you in several ways, Facebook being the most obvious. Or a sneering mutual friend could gleefully slide the info your way. Maybe you’re even in touch, and she’s decided to tell you nicely? (That bitch). But however you’ve come about the information, it’s made your blood run cold. And here’s how to get over it.

Rage-Out

OK, I’m not going to give you the typical “Centre yourself, get some exercise and fill your heart with the love and light of our Bountiful Universe” crap advice. You’re mad. Or upset, at least. And don’t try to pretend you’re not.

But instead of letting your heart fill with the burning anger of a thousand furious suns, embrace the embers. Be mad. Shout a lot. Because it fucking sucks. You’re still in the “Am I sure this was the right thing?” portion of the break-up, and your ex dares to simply waft off and find someone who is probably infinitely smarter, funnier and better than you. That bitch. It’s strange, isn’t it? How, in your mind, is the person seducing the woman you love(d) is inevitably beautiful and flawless in every way? Highly inconvenient.

So screw it. You’re mad. Admit it. Punch an inanimate object (Pillows, the sofa, an exceptionally sturdy floor rug rolled up into a make-shift punchbag) and don’t let it eat away at you. Physical aggression can be a good outlet. So long as it’s aimed at things without a heartbeat.

Rebel

Revel in the things that you couldn’t before. Now I’m not talking promiscuous sex (although I’m not ruling it out, mind) but more identifying the things you weren’t able to do when you were together and then do the fuck out of them. Your ex didn’t like mushrooms? Well, you’re about to have yourself a mushroom-a-thon. Make a risotto. Have a plateful of mushrooms stuffed with more mushrooms and shove them gloriously into your face in the rebellion of her distaste for this beautiful food (that bitch).

Rekindling the love of things you enjoyed before your ex came along and shunned them from your life, whether it be a type of food or cycling (bitches be lazy) or drinking heavily. Just go for it, and enjoy! The shackles are off, and you’re free to enjoy the things you had to cut out before in excess and to worrying extremes. This brings me nicely to my next point.

Embrace Obsessive Compulsivity

When you first hear of your ex-girlfriend’s imminent new happiness, there’s going to need to be some recovery time scheduled. Please don’t deny it… Even the most genial, well rounded of us are seething when we find out that she (that bitch) moved on first. So after you’ve let that anger free and gorged on the previously banned, you’re going to need to keep busy.

Cue distraction tactics. Find something to get really into, and I mean obsessively. I chose cooking… When my first girlfriend moved on astonishingly quickly (we’re talking three weeks here after a two-year relationship), I mastered my roast chicken recipe. Every day, there would be a new chicken, a new type of dressing, and different cooking methods. Baking, barbecuing, basting, you name it… I did it to a chicken. My housemates had a mini poultry-based intervention and pointed out I was cooking them faster than they could eat them, and fridge space was becoming a problem.

But my main point is this… I was spending so much time considering whether ginger and soy sauce would be a good basting combination that my ex (that bitch) and her pretty-in-that-wholesome-way new girlfriend weren’t anywhere near my poultry-addled mind. So find something else to occupy yourself. Farmville, for example. Or gambling. Something that will pop into your head first thing in the morning and stop you crying in the shower over your ex and her new, inevitably perfect relationship.

Grieve

Wallow. Give yourself a break. Being stoic and battling through is essentially denial. You need to accept that you’re a rage-addled, devastated and hurt human being, and if you don’t deal with it, you’ll end up with a stomach ulcer. So call in sick for work, refuse to get out of bed and get your besties to bring you whatever fast food you desire. It’s time to feel sorry for yourself.

And if all else fails…

Tequila

Ah, the deflector nectar. If all else fails, grab yourself a bottle of the good stuff and a handful of your more mentally unhinged and uninhibited friends. Then have yourselves a night you’ll want to forget.

And as for your ex? Screw her. If it were meant to be, then it would have been. She’s someone else’s problem now.