How I found natural orgasms after a decade.

The female orgasm. She can be a slippery little thing, can’t she? Rocking up late to the party – or not at all – when she’s the whole reason you’ve stuffed the bath full of beers and decked the garden in fairy lights. I should know. Until recently, I never achieved natural orgasms. I may have been there, oohing and aahing and going through the motions but my orgasm had already popped on her pyjamas and was settling down for the night with a good book: Buh-bye! Best of luck with that.

Much as I wish I were the only no-show, I am sadly not alone. Despite what Hollywood and porn would have you believe, not all women are having mind-blowing orgasms round the clock. Over the years, there have been studies showing that over 50% of women make ‘pretend’ noises of pleasure, to 1 in 10 women fake orgasm every week. One study found that 11% of women had never had an orgasm. For many women, mutually satisfying sex is, well, a fantasy. For them, sexual intimacy is a favour, a gift, a chore or just a really nice, long hug.

So, what the hell is going on?

For me, it started with a lack of desire. I’ve spent most of my life dating men. I’ve lived with them, loved them and bought property with them. I was ‘straight’ but for one small exception: I’m not sexually attracted to them. When push comes to thrust – it’s women who turn me on, get me off, fire me up and make me want to run around in a thong screaming, “hallelujah, there is a god.”

For a decade, every sexual interaction I had lacked the basic ingredient of desire. Everything I did, I did for men and their pleasure. And so, to compensate, I turned to technology and a vibrator. And I had orgasms. Lots of them. Day and night. I was like a factory churning out cheap, ready-made climaxes. When you can strap your beaver to a rocket, you don’t worry about who the co-pilot is, you just can’t wait to get to the stars.

When I finally came out, I thought orgasms would be easy. But I had used vibrators for so long my body was numb to a woman’s touch and tongue. It took me another 2 years to throw away the bullet and reconnect with my body. I had to start from scratch like a teenager. This feels good. This feels good. When I finally gave myself a natural orgasm, it was like coming home.

It’s taken me 10 years to stop listening to society and to start listening to my body. 10 years to start using sex toys in the way they should be used – as an occasional boost to a healthy sex life and not as a shovel with which to bury my real sexual feelings. It’s taken me 10 years to realise that gay women use vibrators in the way that gay men use Viagra – to fake desire.

Now, I can have rich, decadent orgasms as often as I like. Now, I’m always bang on time for the party, sometimes even a little early. Now, I’m a sapphist – and sated.  So, if your orgasms are missing in action, maybe it’s time to throw away the vibrator or have a night of passion with a woman – or both? You never know, you might find your natural orgasm in the place you least expect it.

Happy hunting.