Prison season is finally upon us here in the UK, with season 6 of Wentworth in full swing and OITNB about to commence season 6 too.

But which one will come out on top as ‘Top Dog’?  And if I could choose the ultimate inmates to send to each prison, who would I choose and why?

Bad Girls – UK

Where to begin?  Well, let me start with Bad Girls. It would be remiss of me not to include Bad Girls in this discussion simply because it was the original prison drama that I watched back in the late 1990s / early 2000s. It provided a dose of good old-fashioned lesbian action between Governor Helen Stewart (Simone Lahbib) and inmate Nikki Wade, played by the lovely Mandana Jones, at a time when this type of storyline was all too often sadly lacking on TV screens here.

But who would I condemn to a stint in Larkhall at Her Majesty’s pleasure?  Hillary Clinton for sure, then I would be able to visit her every day, put my arms around her and say how sorry I am for what happened and that Karma does exist and all of those bastards that either didn’t vote or voted for someone else will get their comeuppance one day.  There, I have got that off my chest – again.

Wentworth – Australia

It goes without saying that the only reason I watch Wentworth is because of the love interest between Franky and Bridget.

Having said that, my appreciation of this drama could also have something, and everything to do with the fantastic acting, humour and gritty storylines that we are constantly being served in any given scene.  Not easy to achieve in a drama of this nature. But it is without any doubt that as a lesbian, Franky and Bridget make the show for me, thus far.  And I  can rest assured through my interpretation of episode 3 of season 6 that Franky is not dead.  I hate death, dying and the killing off of lesbian characters, especially those with so much potential for future episodes. I think my aversion to this possibility ever happening to any of my favourite lesbian characters stems back to The Killing of Sister George; seriously it must.

My choice of inmate to send to Wentworth would be the one and only Ms Elizabeth Hurley. She leads the way for the older woman, is age-defying and looks absolutely amazing and just gets better and better with time. She also dated an Australian cricketer once, though I have no idea why that matters but I really can’t think of another reason to have her imprisoned. So there.

OITNB – USA

Ah yes, Alex and Piper.  My lovely, little inmates. My sweet American Pie Piper Chapman. I would love to see these two make a fist of their relationship. No grim reaper lurking behind bars for either of them anytime soon hopefully. Remember, Piper proposed to Alex in the final episode of season 5 so watch this space.  Wedding bells may be afoot in Litchfield?

Again though this drama just exudes exceptional and highly intelligent rhetoric about life in a female correctional facility.  First-class acting and original ideas make OITNB a cult show with a loyal and unwavering following around the world.

I think Cheryl (Wor Chezza), former singer with Girls Aloud, would make a very good inmate at Litchfield.  Having recently split from her partner Liam Payne, she may well benefit from some quality ‘me time’ in the slammer in the USA to reflect on life, and take a well-earned break away from the glare of the British press.  Plus she is fricking gorgeous and would look awesome in an orange boiler suit.

Funnily enough though, whilst none of my choice of inmates is part of the LGBTQ+ community, as far as I know, perhaps a revolutionary but not so new rehabilitation programme called Conversion Therapy, could be adopted by the producers of these shows and in real life prisons, and could maybe even be extended to other institutions.

For those that are not familiar with Conversion Therapy, let me explain.  It is a practice designed to change a person’s sexual orientation from gay to heterosexual.  Unbelievable and incredible I know but it is also still currently a legal practice in the UK, in 2018!!!!

I wonder how heterosexual people would feel if they were subjected to this practice?  A practice designed with the sole intention in the mind of changing and stripping bare the very core of our being and essence.

The point is, we in the LGBTQ+ community would never inflict such a practice on others.  Even though in my utopian world all women would be lesbians, I am stable (I think!!) and reasonably minded enough to accept that people are different and our differences are to be embraced and welcomed no matter what they may be.

But when all is said and done, it is impossible for me to choose a favourite prison drama, just like I could no more choose a favourite Medium between Sally Morgan, Theresa Caputo and Tyler Henry.  I love them all.

And the good news is, I don’t have to choose, I can have my cake and eat it.  There is room aplenty for as many drama’s as the channels will allow.  As long as my wonderfully diverse community are being represented in any country on any TV screen, I’m more than happy to share and spread the praise.

But if my only crime is to love watching a bit of lesbo action on TV then I am guilty as charged your Honour and if ‘doing porridge’, is the punishment, which prison would be the best to serve time in? Larkhall, Litchfield or Wentworth?

You decide because I, quite frankly, cannot.