Relive all the best bits of the final season premiere.

 

Before we jump feet first into ep 1 of the “final trip”, let’s have a quick recap of the end of season 4.  Firstly, Alison and Donnie are still holed up in a tent in the woods being protected by Helena, who provides for them by hunting and generally doing what Helena does best. Being pretty fricken scary AND awesome. Evie the Evil Doctor (puppet) from Brightborn clinic, where they are supposed to be creating superhumans, but just as often create babies with severe disabilities that they then euthanise, is brought down by Rachel and we think that she’s finally turned into one of the good guys and is helping her sisters sort out these bloody Neolutionists once and for all. Cosima (*sigh* I LOVE Cosima!) is on the weirdo island with Susan Duncan and finally uncovers a cure for the clones at which point Susan cuts off her internet access and locks her in her room. She lets Rachel know that the cloning program is back on, but Rachel being the complete megalomaniac she is, doesn’t want her mother back at the head of all this as she wants to take control of Neolution.

 

The pro-clone being all pro.

 

She chucks Ira to the gutter (metaphorically) to make sure he can’t help Susan out, while Sarah poses as Krystal to get info on the secret island’s location and with Ira’s help (trying to protect Susan), she manages to get a chopper to the island to find Delphine and Charlotte, who Susan is now trying to protect from Rachel because she’s worked out that her daughter is cray-cray and wants all this for her own means. Rachel turns on her mother as she tries to steal the cure, and ends up stabbing her as she leaves to meet PT Westmorland, the founder of Neolution and the guy we’ve not heard about up until about now, but who will no doubt play a HUGE part in the final season. Sarah turns up and finds Susan all bloodied and trying to treat her stab wound, but Rachel appears and attacks Sarah too, so by the time she heads off in pursuit of Cosima and Charlotte, she’s pretty cut up and bashed around too. Cosima has managed to grab some of the cure, and she and Charlotte are trying to escape to the boat where they can get off the island, but end up getting lost and getting hypothermia until the guy that has been the one that Rachel has been having visions of in her prosthetic eye turns up, and leads them to a village. She has THE SWEETEST reunion with the not-dead Delphine, who strips off to get under the blanket with Cosima to warm up her hypothermic body with her own body heat. Mmmmmm…

 

A little dose of hypothermia can’t stop US from being bloody adorable!

 

Sarah is trying to get to the boat, hopefully to meet Cosima, but her wounds slow her down, and she calls home to find that Ferdinand has gone bad (again) and is back with the Neos and has kidnapped Kira and S. And that was that.

 

Not the best day I’ve ever had.

 

So fast forward to Season 5, and we start with Sarah stumbling across the beach and using the last 2% of her phone battery to call Felix. Ira tells her the boathouse that Cosima is supposed to be heading to is downstream from the village, but wouldn’t you know it – the phone goes dead before she can find out anything about it. Now it’s freezing cold out, and Sarah needs to light a fire to survive the night, but nothing will catch. With only one match left, she uses the one and only thing that might hold long enough for the kindling to light… a photo of Kira. Terrifying, ominous and sad – it’s all of the above. In true ever-resourceful Sarah style, by the light of the fire, she packs her stab would with a tampon she has in her pocket, and wraps her broken hand with ripped up shirt.

 

In her pain, she imagines Kira shaking her and telling her to wake up. A vision? An illusion? A hallucination? Not sure, but it’s not the first time we see it in this episode. She’s woken by a sound coming from the bushes and next things some wild creature making horrid animal noises is on her, and they roll back and forth across the fire, until she lands her hand on a rock and cracks him over the head with it. Animal-bear-man creature runs off into the darkness and Sarah is left staring behind it wondering WTF just happened. Rachel meanwhile, is having true delusions of grandeur and is ascending the stairs of some medieval castle-like building – presumably for her meeting with the founder of Neolution, the 170-year-old PT Westmorland.

 

And she’s buying a stairway to heaven…

 

Sarah decides she’s having none of this animal-man-bear creature rubbish, and as dawn breaks she’s sharpening the end of a stick, no doubt with the intention of stabbing the creature right in the gut should he return to have another go. Also – it’s a handy walking stick to go looking for the boatshed where she hopes she’ll find Cosima. But she won’t be finding Cosima, because she’s at Revival – the weirdo Neolution village – and is dreaming that Delphine is stripping off and climbing into bed with her to warm her up… only it wasn’t a dream, it was real, and WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO HAVE THAT DREAM ANYWAY?? Cosima just gets to live it for reals. Love these two. Her first thought is to check her bag for the cure, but it’s gone. In its place is a note from her gorgeous gf, ‘Whatever happens, follow my lead.’ So she can stop panicking and know that her puppy has her back.

 

A super chirpy and happy camper called Mudd (I’m going with a double ‘D’ – just because) comes and it appears that she will be Cosima’s shadow to make sure she doesn’t escape from Revival, and also, I guess, to convince her of the wonders of Neolution. But more of the former than the latter I suspect. Delphine is at work in the clinic, she tells her, but chuck on these wellies and I’ll show you everything there is to know about this self-sufficient place where you only get to be if you’re better than the average human because we’re creating a super-race. Internally, the normally very calm and very Zen Cosima is screaming – JUST TAKE ME TO MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND SO SHE CAN EXPLAIN ALL THIS SHIT TO ME! Not going to happen. Oh, and bee-tee-dubs Cos, Mudd says they’re not going to let you talk to your sisters either. On the tour, Cosima comes across Charlotte at the Revival school where they’re being fed propaganda, and Mudd – who clearly knows they are clones quips, “Tweedle Small and Tweedle Tall”. Cosima promptly tells Charlotte to ignore her, giving us a pretty clear glimpse into her attitude towards all the PT Westmorland ‘cult’ members. She tells Charlotte that the school stories are just myths, and not to listen to it too much.

 

You know, I’m not really feeling it quite like you are, Mudd.

 

Back in town, Felix heads to the safe house to see if he can find any clues as to where Ferdinand has taken S and Kira, and just about dongs Art, who almost shoots him, but lucky neither happened, so let’s try and figure this shit out together. Art is concerned that he doesn’t know who in the cops is legit and who’s Neo (remember the Neo cop that Siobhan shot at the end of last season), but all he wants Fee to do at this point is make sure Alison and Donny stay in hiding (remember the cops are after them from their drug dealing days), and keep Helena and the babies out of harm’s way.

 

The Lord is telling me to ignore everyone who knows better than I do.

 

But ‘poop on a stoop’ Alison doesn’t like not knowing where her sisters are, so she immediately starts packing their highly unsuitable-for-the-forest travel luggage to go and do… something. Down at the station, Art gets a new partner – Maddy the Misogynist. (She might be a misogynist, but I must admit I find her rather easy on the eye.)

 

You think you’re a man? You’re only a boy!

 

Sarah makes it to the boatshed, but rather than Cosima, finds a couple of men with guns. “Boat’s still here, no sign of her.” Who are they talking about? Sarah’s assuming they mean Cosima, but maybe it’s her they’re after? Then it becomes clear, “We don’t go back till she’s back at Revival with the other one.” So it’s Sarah they’re hunting.

 

I got a bad feeling about this.

 

She comes out of hiding and heads ‘upstream from the boatshed’ to see if she can find this mysterious village. As she’s stumbling through the bush – with her spear-stick, a broken hand and a stab wound, she comes across a trap with a dead creature hanging from it, and gets the feeling she’s being watched. Judging by the camera angle – she is… She decides to GTFO quick smart.  Soon she’s being tracked by 3 men with guns and a couple of dogs, they want her badly. She manages to trip-run-stumble until she can hide behind a log, but her trip (as in fall) has two weird things happen – another vision of Kira telling her to wake up; and a real wolf, speared and gutted with it’s entrails all over the ground. The trackers get to the wolf, the dogs freak out, and one of them knows more than he’s letting on about who/what did this. They turn back and Sarah lives to fight another day.

 

Why do I get the feeling I’m being watched?

 

Delphine is at work in the clinic, helping a little Afghan girl, who’s there ‘to get better’. They ‘came for the fountain’, and the look that crosses Delphine’s face when she says this suggests something not altogether good is tied in with this fountain. Locking the door behind her, she takes out Cosima’s ‘missing’ cure, and stores it in the clinic fridge, before the guy they call The Messenger comes. He’s not happy that the door is locked but she blames the newbies for accidently locking the door behind them. Before she opens the door she rips out the paperwork on the Afghan girl and shoves it in her pocket – another clue we’ve found something significant. The Messenger does what messengers do and delivers a message. “It’s time, he wants to see you.” Delphine does not seem impressed. “Why?” He’s a messenger, he delivers messages, he doesn’t answer questions, but it seems Delphine has little choice but to follow.

 

Magnifique

 

At the comic store Felix, Scott and some other comic book nerds are trying to read the map of the island, but all the satellite images have been blurred. Ira is still trying to protect what Susan had on the island, so Felix gets right up in his face, “Ira, Rachel has forsaken you, so for god’s sake, pick a bloody side.” Ira actually looks scared of Felix, which would no doubt make all his soldiery, super-macho Castor brothers disown him. Comic store nerd spews a whole lot of gamer jargon at Felix about how to contact MK, and I have to admit to understanding about as much as Felix did, whose response was, “I have no idea what he just said.” But he got enough of it to know that MK once contacted Kira through a game, so they decide to try that angle. Felix goes back to the safe house, hoping to find some info on Kira’s laptop and almost shits himself when a very well-dressed Mr Frontinac walks in right behind him, and well walks right out WITH him telling him “there is only one faction now” and “shall you and I do this amicably?”

 

Neolution I presume.

 

Art and Maddy, supposedly on a case of Maddy’s. They pull over, she pulls out a file. FUCK, alarm bells… Another fricken Neo. Maybe they should all just agree that the future is Neo, and just pack up their shit and give in. Nah… that would be no fun at all. Pictures of ‘the preppy one’ and ‘the psycho one, running around all pregnant’… and when Art denies knowing anything – a photo of his daughter. “You don’t know how far we’re willing to go to bring these clones in. You better embrace this new future Art, cos it’s gonna be here real soon.” TRAPPED. Cut to the forest camp, and Helena is out hunting – she and Donny are ‘loon calling’ each other, when the call turns to the emergency, and a pair of gunmen chuck a sack over Alison’s head and take her away. Donny’s reaction is to run in the other direction… Nice one Donald.  

 

What the Dickens, Art?

 

A black van screeches up beside Art’s car, and Alison is surprised to see Art as one of her supposed kidnappers. She doesn’t know where Helena (‘out murdering God’s creatures’) or Donny (‘my husband abandoned me’) are, but “what is happening Art?” Art speaks on behalf of Maddy – they want a truce. Alison says it like it is, “Kidnapping children is the Neolution definition of a truce?” Good point. Meanwhile, Donny hightails to their car, and is desperately trying to get himself into it when a gunman gets him on the ground… but what’s this? That old familiar sound, that kind of goes “eeee-awww” (but not like a donkey) when Helena is about to do something really bad-arse, as she jumps Donny’s attacker from behind, forcing him to drop the gun. As she wrestles him to the ground, she’s stabbed right in her pregnant belly with a big stick, so now there’s an emergency where she has to get to a hospital pronto.

 

There is stick in babies.

 

And now we’re in Revival. WHY SHOW, WHY??? It’s beautiful and gorgeous and sweet but so fucking heartbreaking. LET COPHINE BE TOGETHER!!!

Delphine starts: I’m so, so sorry.

Cosima: I thought you were dead.

Delphine: I wasn’t allowed to contact you.

(The Messenger comes in and Delphine asks for 10 minutes).

Cosima: Where are you taking her?

Delphine: Sardegna on a research mission. (meaningful stare). We each have a role here Cosima.

 

Please show, no. Just no, no, NO, NO. NO!

 

They get their 10 minutes and Delphine does her best to explain to Cosima, who thinks the place is ‘insane’ and can’t believe that she was ‘saved by a 170-year-old man’. But then – the big bombshell. Throughout the previous four seasons, we have been led to believe that the Neos are just a bunch of cultish crackpots with one white eye and a belief in an unproven scientific theory. But Delphine looks Cosima in the eye – scientist to scientist, lover to lover and tells her, “The science is real.” WHAT????

 

Too much tenderness.

 

Cosima checks Delphine’s bullet wound, as if to check that she didn’t just run off on her, and when she sees it really there, gently places a kiss on it. Cosima needs something to hold onto, and when Delphine lists off all the therapies the people on the island are participating in, and that she believes in it (although let’s also remember she was associated with Dr Leekie in season 1, and she and Cosima got together because she was supposed to befriend her to become her monitor, so her Neolution background isn’t completely clean… but we forgive her because JUST LOOK AT HER!), Cosima’s thinking starts to turn. Delphine gives her the key to the medical clinic, as well as the info on the little Afghan girl, telling her she has something to do with what Rachel is planning… and Cosima’s brain is ticking into overdrive. Plus she can’t believe she’s going to lose Delphine again, FFS. Delphine’s final words as she’s rushed out by The Messenger, “follow the crazy science” harks back to earlier seasons, and is a plea to Cosima to believe. These two better have their happy ending, I tell you, or I will NOT be a happy little Clone Clubber.

 

And they lived happily ever aft… WAIT – you separated them again show! Fix this please.

 

Happy, happy music – it reminds me of what they would play in North Korea before Kim Jong Il addresses a crowd, and everyone in Revival runs to the bottom of the stairs because “he has something to tell us”. Rachel in all her glory stands there on behalf of old PT. Cosima is like – these people are all fucking nuts, but Delphine was a believer so either she was a nutter too, or there’s something in it. Rachel babbles on about the future, and her mother creating her, and they’re all chosen, and 200 years of Neolution science is within their grasp, and they’ll drink from the fountain (there’s that reference again) first. The crowd is all pretty excited by this announcement. Sarah has also found her way to the village and witnesses this, no doubt thinking she has no fucking idea just how this crazy this crazy world she lives in has become.

 

Will they ever work as one?

 

It’s night-time, and Mudd has fallen asleep on guard-Cosima-duty, so Cosima sneaks out of her yurt to get to the clinic with the key from Delphine. Next thing, Sarah appears and is all like, “I came to get you.” Cosima sees her injuries and while she’s fixing her up, she asks Sarah to inject the cure into her uterus. Sarah refuses, saying let’s just find Charlotte and get you to somewhere safe. But Cosima tells her she can’t leave. Sarah is pretty pissed off considering what she’s been through to get there to save Cosima – “Who gives a shit if the founder of Neolution is still alive?”, but ever the scientist, her mind is made up: “I do, the answer is here, I have to stay for us”, so Sarah leaves without her. The Messenger finds Mudd asleep and calls out a search party to find Cosima.

 

Photo 21: How do I love thee? How about you count the ways..? I flew here on a rescue mission, I’ve been bashed over the head, stabbed, attacked by an animal-bear-man creature in the woods, rolled through a fire, I’ve been chased by men with guns, and chased by men with guns and dogs, burnt a photo of my kid to make a fire to stay alive, and snuck into this creep-arsed place… But you’re staying here?

 

Cosima is desperately trying to inject this friggen 8 inch needle into her uterine wall when The Messenger and Rachel bust into the clinic. Cosima is shaking – probably from the fear of what she’s trying to do to herself, but also because Rachel the sociopath-clone. Rachel tells her to stop, “you’ll hurt yourself” and at first it sounds like she’s doing one of her emotional mind-fuck tricks, but she actually offers to do the procedure for her. AND COSIMA AGREES. I seriously thought she was going to squirt it down the sink, but she actually does it, with kindness and care. She tells Cosima, “There’s no need to be afraid anymore. He wants you to be part of this. You and I are going to cure us all.” And a tear rolls down Cosima’s face. Was this because it hurt like fuck; or because she’s finally got her cure; or she’s finally able to relax for the first time since the whole clone thing began? But seriously – I would not trust the socioclone AT ALL.

 

Kerraazzyy!!

 

Sarah gets herself back to the boatshed, in a desperate hurry to get off the island. She kinda can’t believe the boat and keys are actually there, and is untying the boat, when hunter-guy bursts in and shoots her with a tranquiliser dart. And she sees Kira again – wake up Mummy! But as she’s slipping into unconsciousness, who should appear other than… socioclone, Rachel.

 

It’s a new day Sarah…

 

@SanjaIsWriting

 

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