Don’t even think of them.
1. “You’re just scared to come out as a lesbian.”
Genuinely coming out as bi isn’t a halfway house towards ‘full’ coming out. Bisexuals face so much discrimination – accusations of being greedy, confused, even non-existent (we’ll cover all that). It could never be considered an easy option.
2. “You get ‘straight privilege’ so you shouldn’t be part of the LGBT community.”
In what way, shape or form could have your identity erased be considered a ‘privilege’? Sure, if we bi gals are with a male/male-presenting partner, we can walk hand-in-hand down the street without being hassled. I’ll give you that. But the rest of the time, being openly bisexual and in a cis-sexual male-female relationship has the potential to invite huge degrees of misunderstanding. We are no more ‘straight’ when dating a man than you are suddenly ‘Alice-sexual’ if you are dating a woman called Alice.
3. “Bisexuals are trans and genderqueer-phobic because bi means ‘binary’.”
As someone identifying as bisexual and who is in a partnership with someone who identifies as bisexual and also genderqueer, I can assure you from personal experience that ‘bisexual’ is not code for “some kind of gender fascist.” There is currently a strong movement towards the ‘pansexual’ label, but many of us don’t feel there is a need to replace a word that we see nothing wrong with. It might have meant male/female in less enlightened times, but now its meaning has evolved as our dialogues about gender have also progressed. To myself and many others, the word ‘bisexual’ means appreciating male/female in all its manifestations, across the whole gender spectrum. People should be free to use whatever labels they like. Big love to those pans – all I ask is that we get the same love back in return.
4. “You’re confused – you’ll make up your mind in the end.”
We have made our minds up. And we are bisexual. It’s hard to explain to someone whose attractions are more gender-specific how it feels to be less influenced by what’s between someone’s legs or how they gender identify when it comes to wanting to get with them. It just is. Nobody’s attractions are less valid or real – people like what they like and as long as it’s legal and consensual we should all just try and tolerate one another’s desires. Or, you know, use the opportunity to get with a hot bisexual chick.
5. “You’re just greedy.”
Bisexual does not have to = massive orgies every night. My beloved and I mainly watch Netflix and eat pizza together instead. I would never cheat on them and if they cheated on me I would cry forever. We are as monogamous as it gets. Some bisexuals are in open relationships or choose to have more casual affairs, just like some straight and gay people. And there is absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with that, as long as all parties are on the same page. However, to suggest that bisexuals have a monopoly on non-monogamous partnerships is short-sighted and reductive.
6. “I would never date a bi woman, they always cheat.”
Cheaters cheat, regardless of sexuality. Being bisexual does not mean constantly hankering after “a bit of the other,” panting for breasts when we’re dating a guy and longing for you-know-what when we’re seeing a woman. There’s a great saying that I’m probably going to get tattooed somewhere which sums bisexuality up perfectly – “hearts not parts.” If you’re bi and hot for someone, it doesn’t matter what kind of junk is in their trunk.
7. “Bi women always end up with a man in the end.”
In a heteronormative society, it is indeed true that attracting/meeting men is easier unless you’re in a specifically LGBT environment. But to say that most bisexual women deliberately seek out relationships with men for an ‘easy life’ or because they only ‘use’ other women for sex is incredibly unfair and patently untrue.
8. “Doubles your chances, eh?”
Being attracted to more than one gender does not mean being attracted to more people. It really doesn’t. Woody Allen has a lot to answer for with that ignorant quote… Personally, I am quite picky, despite not exactly looking like a movie star. It takes a lot for me to feel attraction to someone, even if I do have the entire gamut of genders to pick from.
9. “You’re only doing it to be cool.”
Pap-baiting celeb girl-on-girl smooches are indeed a common phenomenon. Not denying that. But most of the time those celebs don’t go any further than trying to splash themselves across the nearest glossy magazine. Real bisexual identity goes beyond kissing your best friend in a game of spin the bottle, and it gets way more tricky and political.
10. “Do you have a boyfriend and a girlfriend, then?”
Some bisexuals do, and that’s fine. But, as mentioned earlier, monogamous bisexuals don’t. Just like, er, you probably wouldn’t have two girlfriends if you were a monogamous lesbian. Do the math.
11. “Do you prefer men or women?”
It’s not uncommon for bisexuals to have a preference for a certain gender/gender. That doesn’t make them any less bisexual. We also, as I’ve already covered, live in a heteronormative society – not to mention one where bi women are still stigmatised within the LGBT community – so a lot of bi women do opt for the male-oriented option, or decide to go for a more non-male-based option and downplay their bisexuality within the aforesaid LGBT community. This doesn’t always mean that that’s what they’d prefer if given an easier choice.
12. “That’s kinky!”
The idea of bisexuality as some kind of radical punk-rock sex act designed to shock is offensive to people for whom it is a genuine sexual identity. Netflix and pizza vs whips and chains is a choice that open-minded people of all sexualities face. And I for one will defend to the death their right to choose. Peace and love to y’all.
