Amber shares her side of the story…

Leah has asked me to write a blog and it’s taken a while to try to get my thoughts together to write it.

There are so many things I can write about. This is because at any given minute of the day about a million thoughts are going through my head. I guess you should know how I got here.

Whilst going through my treatment I was asked by many people “when is Leah going to try” “are you going to have a break and let Leah try”. Leah and I had talked about her having a go should I not fall pregnant but I told her I needed to be ready to make that decision and she couldn’t do it for me, she completely understood and I’m sure there were plenty of times seeing me in tears where she wanted to force me to stop but she knew that ultimately it had to be my decision. And I wasn’t ready to make it. Sometimes I wished Leah would put her foot down and stop me, at least then I would have someone to blame for losing my dream beside myself.

I can honestly say when someone first mentioned it I almost wanted to hit them. I can’t just switch off these maternal feelings and I didn’t think I would need to. Falling pregnant first try all those years ago with Nevaeh gave me a false sense of security so I just thought “Hey this will be easy I won’t need to worry about Leah trying any time soon”.

HOW WRONG WAS I?

After 9 IUI attempts, we made the decision to go to IVF. Injecting all those hormones into my body has wreaked havoc on my body a lot of side effects I still suffer a year after having my eggs retrieved. The most uncomfortable being the Cold Sore virus. I get it every month and it causes blisters inside the roof of my mouth for about a week, I can’t take anything and nothing stops it. It burns to breathe in and eating becomes a nightmare, it can travel up the back of my nasal passage causing horrendous sinus migraines which leave when they are ready and no medication helps. I never suffered from Cold Sores as a teenager or young adult and maybe got 2 or 3 in my life but since the hormones, I’m stuck with them. I still don’t get them on my lips thank god so you never know I’ve got it.

Another one is Auto Immune Progesterone Dermatitis. When I first went to the doctors with a burning rash on my thighs the idiot doctor told me “oh it’s just your legs rubbing together. REALLY!! Lady, I’m fat I’m fully aware of what happens if my legs rub together and believe me burning, bleeding blistered welts are not the norm. She looked it up on the computer just to entertain me and still her reaction is priceless. Do Doctors still not realise that gut instinct is just that. We aren’t all putting it on. I don’t get the rash anymore as I’m not trying but every month I do try I have to use progesterone which causes it and unfortunately I will always have it now.

Anyway, I’m off track.

After my first IVF attempt miscarried I could see Leah was getting more and more worried for me and the conversation of her trying was getting raised more and more often. I was terrified that my dream of carrying a child was slowly coming to an end and tried to shut myself off emotionally to deal with it.

After I went in for my 2nd IVF attempt I KNEW after 2 days I was pregnant. You get to know your body so well in this journey and I just knew that I was pregnant, however, after a week the telltale bleeding started and as much as I was hoping and praying everything was fine I also KNEW that I was miscarrying for the 2nd time.

Getting a positive pregnancy test should be such an exciting time but for the 2nd month, I could tell in the nurse’s tone that “we just have to wait and see” was not going to end the way I wanted it to. I don’t know how it happened or if I just clicked but it was at that time that I knew I had to hand over the reins and let Leah continue our journey.

Was it hard, BLOODY OATH. After Leah’s first negative I wanted to try again as she had her try. But anyone that knows me will know that’s just my Control Issues coming out. After the 2nd try, I was a lot more comfortable with her trying. I realised I could channel my energy into being the best support person I could be. Cooking her dinners, cleaning the house so she could rest, getting all her medication so she didn’t have to get off the lounge.

As the months went by I was even happy not to be getting up at god knows what time to have blood tests, ultrasounds and results, but at the same time, I was jealous that I wasn’t doing those things. Leah’s got a connection with the girls at Concept that I used to have, now I’m just the partner (the one that asks a million questions on the phone) she talks about the lady who takes her blood and other patients. I miss having that but I don’t miss doing it.

There are so many mixed emotions having been through it to now going through it on the other side. If Leah doesn’t ask the nurses the questions I would like answered I get angry at her. But I feel that’s the only connection I can have to the procedures and not knowing things leaves me feeling so left out since I’m not physically going through it anymore.

The counsellor asked me the other day how I feel about Leah carrying my biological child. Maybe 12 months ago I would have answered differently but I see it as a blessing now. Because it is going to be a miracle if I can’t carry a child. How amazing will it be that the person I love most in the world can make that dream a reality? Leah, pregnant with a child that is biologically mine.

As much as I would love to keep trying and I definitely haven’t given up that dream, my priority is having a family and whatever way we need to go about it, we will do what has to be done to get that.