Orphan Black S05E06 Recap: Manacled Slim Wrists

Krystal accidentally uncovers a Dyad acquisition and Cosima finally gets off the island.

So, like Krystal and her BFF Bree – they are like sooo excited cos their beauty vlog has just reached like 50,000 subscribers! *squeeeeee* But O.M. F. G… what the hell just happened to Bree’s hair? Krystal is determined to find out, because like, the cosmetics industry is poisoning us all with the heinous chemicals they’re putting in what we put on our skin and in out hair, and like, someone has to pay!

Someone is going to pay for her hair extensions!

Mudd has become entranced by old PT once again, and despite Cosima’s pleas, Mudd refuses to let her out of the cage she’s locked in, saying that PT saved her from a junkie life on the streets, and besides, he’d probably go batshit if she let Cosima out considering she let Yannis out before. Thankfully, good old Ira comes to the rescue and unlatches the lock, after old PT has lost his temper at Susan, claiming that, despite their needing her to continue the science, ‘Cosima could rot down there.’ But not before – surprise, surprise – Virginia Cody turns up to say she could let Cosima out, but really, only if she agrees to stay and do what they want her to do, but Cosima lets her know that she knows there’s something mighty dodgy going on, and she doesn’t want to be a part of it.

Come on Mudd – he’s a creepy old fraud and I am a gorgeous. Where’s your dilemma here?

Frontinac turns up at Siobhan’s house to collect Kira for her next appointment at Dyad, but she’s been filled up with Imodium and does a glorious vomit all over his stylishly polished shoes! He reports back to a meditating Rachel that she was too sick to come in, and they agree to get her tomorrow. When Rachel reports this to PT, he shuts her right down, and insists that they go back and get Kira immediately, and of course, Rachel does as she’s told, because the only person she allows to tell her what to do to creepy old PT. She turns up late at night to collect Kira, and S says ominously, ‘just remember you might need something one day.’

Come to Aunty Rachel so I can do despicable things to you because I am not only a clone but also an android.

Krystal (bless!) rocks up at the Nerd House to meet with Art and Scott to tell them about her friend’s hair, and on a video call with Sarah and S, Art and Sarah decide they’re going to meet with the contact of a huge cosmetics firm that appears to have more to it than meets the eye, and Krystal is MIGHTY unimpressed that said contact has ‘ghosted her’ (because like, she’s a 10 people and no-one ghosts her!). But before Sarah can get the wig on straight, Krystal has set up all her surveillance equipment and is taking care of her own business, with just an ear-piece for Sarah and Art to communicate with her.

So Krystal starts flirting and making out with the guy, who is celebrating making the deal of a lifetime and that’s apparently why he hasn’t been in touch. Meanwhile some searching reveals that his company has just been acquired by Dyad, and after Krystal finishes peeing, she’s going to kick him in the balls. Bree apparently has sticky fingers, and the tube of product she used on her hair when it fell out was one she had nicked from Krystal’s ‘friend’s’ party – a prototype, not yet ready for use on humans… but Dyad was planning on spreading their shit through the cream to be absorbed via the skin. Krystal got the ultimate revenge – rubbing the hair removal cream all over his beautifully maintained beard (this was, of course, after she had kicked him in the balls).

Pee – then ball-kicking.

I know what boys like. Their beards. You’re about to lose yours!

Back on the island all hell is about to break loose as firstly little Aisha dies, while Cody reveals herself to Susan Duncan and old rivalries are re-established. Susan doesn’t want Ira going near Cody, but Ira is keen to know more about his past – and the apparently cure for his glitching – but she doesn’t actually have a cure yet. They also find out that PT has been using the blood of children to transfuse into himself, something that horrifies Susan, and finally breaks Mudd’s blindness towards him. This, plus Cody not having an actual cure for Ira, also solidifies his desire to do what needs to be done to free Cosima, sort out old PT once and for all, and get off the island with Susan. Cosima manages to convince Mudd that PT is a fraud, and with Susan’s help, they’re about to give him a lethal dose of morphine – but Mudd backs out of the deal to kill PT, and Cody appears just in the nick of time (for PT) and unhooks the dialysis machine full of morphine.

Virginia. Susan. Percival. Susan. Virginia. Percival. Rocky…

The blood of children Mudd! How much more debased can her get before you let me out?

Cosima gets out of the house and is trying to get her cure and some other stuff from the medical lab, and some of the angered villagers try to stop her, thinking she’s on PT’s side – a side they have well and truly stopped believing in. She manages to get them to see the photo of PT and Susan from the 1960s, completely debunking the cult of personality and the myth surrounding PT being 172. She grabs Charlotte, her cure and they head off to the boat shed to make their big escape. Finally! As they’re getting their stuff into the boat, and Cosima is getting impatient for the others to arrive – Susan and Ira – we cut to a shot of Susan in the creepy old greenhouse, sitting stiff in her wheelchair. Ira realises she’s been dealt the lethal dose, and chooses not to leave her side. As blood starts to trickle from his nose. His end is near. The wisdom of children – Charlotte says to Cosima, “I don’t think they’re coming,” and this prompts Cosima into action as she gets the boat into action ready to drive off (“I grew up on boats”… with her lesbian mothers… just reminding y’all).

1960s. He’s a faker and a fraudster and I AM NOT PART OF HIS SHIT!

DOA.

Kinda became attached to weird Ira and his great love for his older woman. Respect.

Also kinda sexy that Cosima can drive a boat. But then Cosima could just stand in the middle of the room doing nothing and I’d find it sexy.

Back to the village, poor Mudd – who had the opportunity to escape with them – finds the photo of Susan and PT, and as the village burns down around her, realises she’s been duped by the egocentric, selfish freaky old dude in the big house. For his part, he stares down as his former disciples rebel…