For realsies.

It’s that time of year where many of us are mentally preparing to sit down with our families for Christmas dinner.

For those of us with outspoken grandparents, interfering aunts, and a drunken uncle who considers himself clever, Christmas dinner can be eventful – to say the least.

To help you prepare to field some of the awkward and intrusive questions you might encounter this year, here is a list of completely true things my relatives have said to me at family holiday dinners… and my responses!

1. Are ripped jeans considered “gay apparel”?

No, just American Apparel…

2. So you’re really not interested in the North Pole at all, huh?!

Really, Aunt Pauline? Really?

3. Do you call your partner your “little Christmas cookie” over the holiday season?

Because I “eat her”? That’s funny.

4. Is okay if I call your girlfriend “my little buddy”? Think she’d like that?

Only if you also give her an elf hat…

5. She can watch football with us, she’s one of the guys.

That’s so nice of you guys, but I’m not sure she wants to sit and watch you lot scratch yourselves all afternoon.

6. That’s a very nice bow tie, I didn’t know you were in the ice cream business?

Nice. I didn’t realise you were such a dedicated follower of fashion.

7. Now that you’re dating a butch, does this mean you’re into men now too?

*Facepalm*

8. You must like jingling those bells…

Almost as much as you enjoy thinking about it.

9. Natash, why don’t you come over here and stuff this bird?

With one hand or two?

10. The kids think your girlfriend is a real-life elf.

That’s funny because she and I were just saying the same thing about your husband. You know, on account of his ears and shoes.

11. Can we still say “make the yuletide gay” in front of you?

No. Only I can say it.