Why does the women’s magazine still have a lot to learn about lesbian sex.

Cosmopolitan magazine decided to showcase how oh-so-inclusive they are of the les/bi community by publishing a “28 Lesbian Sex Positions” article online—with hilarious results.

We’re thrilled, in theory, that Cosmo decided to include us lesbian ladies in their audience. I was beginning to think we’d been shunned.

And with Cosmo already giving terrifying sex tips to straight people it appears they’ve widened their net to include us, lady-loving ladies, too. Which was a lovely gesture, but horrifyingly executed on a general scale.

Now although a few of them are some of my personal favourites, I did think 28 positions was slightly excessive. It’s almost as though the Cosmo think-tank team sat brainstorming for hours and, once they ran out of ideas, essentially invented some limb-strainingly dangerous positions in lieu of actually consulting real-life lesbians or just limiting the list.

It appears that Cosmo assumes that the only thing lesbians can do (that doesn’t include wearing a harness) is poke at each other’s clitorises (clitori?) and so clearly created some terrifying sex positions that encourage lesbians to attempt peculiar and downright dangerous foreplay.

Starting with my favourite ludicrous fictitious lez-position, “The Kinky Jockey.”

Whilst riding her – “Tug on her hair while you rub your clitoris against her tailbone.”

Who on earth has ever tried that? Seriously? Now although a little hair pulling can always strike a chord, wiggling yourself over the *tailbone* of your partner would be at best hilarious and at worst humiliating.

I can’t imagine that lesbians all over the country are grinding themselves against the backs of their partners, screaming “Thank you, Cosmo for inviting us into this new world of impractical pleasure!” I think they’re just frowning over their keyboards at them, like me.

“Have your partner kneel on all fours and grind your hips against her butt”

A guy did this on a train to me once, and it was almost a police matter. Cosmo seems to think that we lesbians must get bored of just stroking away at each other so surely we’ll need some suggestions of something to keep us occupied meanwhile?

But if someone began behaving like an un-neutered dog while trying to get me off, I’d put a stop to it quicker than you could say “Sadistic Suggestion.”

“Have your partner sit in a chair… Now she has all-access for oral sex.”

Thank you, Cosmo, for this little nugget. However, would we have known how to acquire full access without this muscle-maimimgly dangerous tip? Let’s not even go down the “Sex on Spindly Furniture” route.

Just looking at the picture, I wonder if the graphic designer responsible was actually sniggering over his/her keyboard as he drew what is very clearly this poor blonde about to snap her neck and/or elbows.

“Have your partner sit on a chair & straddle her… you can grind your pubic bone against hers”

Can we? Thank you, Cosmo. Excuse us while we write that down. This is the sort of information you can expect from the brain trust at Yahoo Answers, right down the bottom of the list.

The proofreading team must have been having a day off as this Top Tip slipped through the editing process. Isn’t this essentially just dry humping in the most inconvenient and uncomfortable way possible? My kitchen chairs are safe for the moment, thank you.

“Stand behind her and reach around with one hand to finger her”

OK, now although I don’t disagree with this one, in theory, it’s the illustration that baffles me the most. *They’re standing in heels* How many lesbians do you know who can stand in heels, let alone during sex. Especially good sex. Not realistic at all, Cosmo.

“Have your partner create a bridge with her upper back on the bed and her feet on the floor… And grind your pubic bone against hers.” 

This one was the worst, in my opinion. Are they kidding? Actually think about the practicalities of this one. I can only assume this was slipped in by some bitter, jilted man on the Cosmo part-time team after finding out his ex is a lesbian now. Clear sabotage.

Asking your partner to arch her back over a 90degree angle and then sitting on her is the sex-tip equivalent of advising your cuisine-challenged friend to defrost a chicken in a sink of warm water. Snapped Spine, anyone? Do NOT try this at home.

The list goes on. Now although a lot of them are valid suggestions, the list reads more like a quickly compiled collection of positions by lesbians from porn. Positions that are created on screen, for men to enjoy, but not a great representation for real-life gay women.

Thank you, Cosmo, for trying. But maybe next time, instead of attempting to list as many as you can and chucking in some drawings of (what looks like straight) women having disability-inspiring intercourse, try to ask actual lesbians what we do. The answers may actually make for a far more interesting read than this absurd offering.