A lesbian comedian’s adventures in the military and abroad.

I have travelled all around the world doing comedy, from Tahiti to South Africa, to Russia, France, Alaska, Korea and all over the United States.

In 2002 I worked for the Department of Defense.  They flew me to Okinawa, Japan. I was so excited; I thought it was going to be like a USO Bob Hope tour. I was sorely mistaken. I was on an air force base but that’s where the similarities ended.

There wasn’t a big crowd at the show, very small, not actually even big enough to be considered a crowd, a gathering perhaps. We were in this little bar, no seats, just people milling around drinking beer in the dark. I tried to entertain them but they didn’t even seem to notice I was there. It was a very disappointing gig for me.

But, I felt like I was there to serve my country and to do my duty, so, I did a soldier. She was cute.

I usually go for the butch ones in uniform, but take my advice; don’t date the drill sergeant. They are crazy.  And if you do, don’t ask and definitely don’t tell. It was late, we were having sex and she started counting her own strokes: “One two three, one two three four!” Oh no she didn’t. I gave it right back; I said “To the left, to the left, to the left-right-left.” Don’t mess with a comedian.

Japan has quite a different culture than us. On the transfer bus from Narita airport to Tokyo airport, we stopped at a roadside rest area and of course, I had to go check out their fast food places and experience their restrooms. Wow.

There was literally a hole in the floor that you squatted over and did your business into. No toilet paper, no paper towel to dry hands with. Hmm, not feeling the Buddha warrior. But I was holding a good crow pose or one of those yoga positions.

It should be called downward doing poo. Anyway, that done, I go into this restaurant and they were making these fried balls of cream. I’m assuming it was like a crispy cream doughnut. So I ordered one in my non-existent Japanese – ooos aregato – Nagasaki – one, please. They give me a bag of these Japanese doughnuts and I give them my money. They watch as I take one of these little dough boys out of the wax bag and bite into it.

When I tell you this cream was hot, I am talking molten lava from the volcano of Kilimanjaro hot! I was screaming and spitting and yelling and they were looking at me like I was Godzilla. Then they were laughing and pointing and giggling in their polite respectful way. Aauuugh – Namaste, and I’m-ma not-a staying here anymore.