I remember being very afraid of having sex with a woman for the first time.
So, you’ve spent your whole life dating men, and now you’re thinking it’s time for a sexy lady because you totes want some orgasms and women have well-nice hair. But how does one approach these lady things romantically? What should one say or do? How does one dress? Are heels appropriate? Should I cut my hair now? Do I still need to wax my vagina aggressively?
These are trick questions because all women are different, making dating humans so damn exciting. If you love your heels, then, by all means, wear them. If you like to feel the wind beneath your vaginal wings, then wax away. There are no rules for dating either women or anyone else – do whatever you feel comfortable with. But I can say a few helpful things to you as a fully-fledged lady romancer so that I will tell them now.
Firstly, WELL DONE.
Getting to a place where you can go, ‘yep, I fancy girls’ and do something about it takes a whole lot of strength. Seriously. You may have had to deal with lots of deeply embedded painful memories like that time you told Jenny she looked pretty, and she screamed, “Ewwww, no need to be a BIG LESBIAN about it.” (I wasn’t a BIG LESBIAN about it, Jenny. I think you look pretty, and sometimes you want to kiss a face that’s pretty.)
Get yourself a doughnut and do the winning dance if you haven’t already. Go on. Go on. I said dance. Okay, don’t dance. But do consciously thank yourself for being open enough to recognise who you are and having the courage to explore that.
Dealing with the inevitable labels questions.
Suppose you tell people you’re dating a woman. In that case, some people will immediately want to stick you in a box and whack a label on you because they cannot cope in a world where everything isn’t immediately categorised. I think it’s some weird, internal filing system in their heads; I don’t know.
So you might get questions like this that you’re not ready to answer yet:
“So, are you bisexual, then? Or a gay? What am I going to tell your grandad?”
There are various ways to deal with these.
1. Confuse them with long words
Say, “I’m a genderqueer intersectional polysexual feminist.” This will leave enough people in baffled silence long enough for you to run away.
2. Shame them with the future
“Erm, it’s 2018, mum. Aren’t labels a thing anymore? Jeez. Even granddad’s more woke than you.”
3. Make them slightly uncomfortable with the science on female sexuality.
Tell them that a famous sex doctor has done research that found that “even though the majority of women identify as straight…when it comes to what turns them on, they are either bisexual or gay, but never straight.”
Then wait for the uncomfortable silence whilst your mum/sister/friend absorbs the implication of this statement.
4. Tell the truth.
It’s totally, 100% fine to say:
“You know what, I’m not sure. That’s why I want to date women, I guess. To get to know me a bit more and see my possibilities to be happy and loved. If it’s okay, I’d prefer it if you didn’t put any pressure on me to choose a label and just let me be me for a bit.”
The reality is, changing labels is scary. I came out a few years ago after identifying as straight for 29 years. I had to have intense therapy for three months before I could say, “I’m a lesbian,” without bursting into tears or having an uncontrollable urge to throw rotten eggs at my head. For many women, saying, “I’m bisexual” is equally terrifying.
After dating a woman for a while, you may find that you get to know yourself a bit more and feel a lot more comfortable about being labelled. Or not. Whatever. Do what you’re comfortable with because if the rainbow means anything, it means accepting yourself for who you are.
Understand that some people have issues.
I’m just going to come out (LOLZ) and say it: occasionally, some lesbians don’t date women who also date men, which is a shame because they are missing out on some uh-mazing woman. I’m not sure why, to be honest, but from the women I’ve spoken to or dated in the past, it seems to be a big mash-up of fear of being left/anger towards men/painful past experiences. I don’t judge because, frankly, gay and bisexual women have dealt with a lot of shit, including watching the woman they fell in love with – and who is probably gay – marry a man. Let me tell you, that stuff can fuck you up.
The critical thing to know is this isn’t about you. If you meet a woman and she goes all weird when you say you date men or you’re bi or curious, walk away. Do not let it put you off because so many women will welcome you into their bed/heart/home/muff with open arms.
But, if you’ve got a boyfriend, most women will not be interested.
Don’t mess with women’s heads if you have a boyfriend. It’s a massively shitty thing to do. For that matter, don’t mess with men’s heads if you’ve got a boyfriend. Or mess with women’s heads if you’ve got a girlfriend. Just be a decent human being, yeah?
Don’t worry if you’re nervous and fumble in bed.
I remember being very afraid of having sex with a woman for the first time, like Exorcist-levels of fear. Because, you know, women are meant to be good at this stuff, aren’t they? We know our bodies, so we know all the women’s bodies. And we know how to go down on women because we’ve done it on ourselves because we have no spines.
Let’s get this straight: Many women do not know their bodies. I didn’t get to know my body correctly until after I came out because it was only then that I was emotionally and physically ready to explore who I am. So the first few (maybe more, probably more) times I had sex with women, I had no idea what I was doing. Shall I…touch that there? Whoops! No. “Sorry!”
The most important thing is to find a partner who is understanding and kind and being open, and honest about the fact that it’s your first time. I, for one, would be very flattered that a woman would want her first time to be with me, and I’d make it super friendly with candles and shit. Hmmm…may it be your first time should be with me?
[Quick discussion with Editor on legality and wisdom of giving out phone number].
Yeah, that’s a no. But whoever your first time is with, DEMAND CANDLES.
And that’s it!
Now, go into the world like a beautiful, sexy, open, woke, empowered butterfly and have a fantastic time. I guarantee you won’t regret it.
